With my whole life to forget（二）

Read last week, "Léon", 12-year-old Matilda, Lyon asked, "is a very miserable life, only the youth, so?" Lyon said, "Always."

Reading to a bar watch the game, am back her hair, wiped away when I look in the mirror after the first uncommon to be reminded that I forgot the name of the song "foolishly goes on the face, a big pair of eyes, another pure capricious, clever But look far ... ... "That is my embrace the mirror of their youth, when I had like Matilda, every night whispered questions to the void.

I have been to secondary school at age 12, go north to the south of the city day and performed poorly.

A full six years, I've been saving "Japan first" - that is, Qi Mei Qi ears short hair. Color dark clothing, like a dark shadow, dodging in a sea of vague.

Were tall, and can blend into their fellow classmates, but their bodies have a strange sense a hint of disgust, I remember from the development with a cloth wrapped around the chest, wearing a skirt can be excused from personal shame.

But also often go to barber to cut clothes, it is the most embarrassing thing. Suddenly at that age was watching, being talked about the body, push the mirror around, is no self-confidence of the child's suffering. Even people walking in front of strangers distress, not to mention the opening speech.

Eileen Chang in the "mind control" in writing that she will never get rid of embarrassing age "his wife is not words, words must mean" loss of dignity looked knowing smile, yes yes yes.

My friend is still small, there is one, have a joyous name is "Fu Zhen," a very long braids, big forehead, big voice. She is good, but also lively, with all the boys are friends, and they crush the girls also are friends. They pass notes and listen for the mind. Only when they are off by school, so every day at dusk, I walked back to her day south of the city north of the city, she gave a class to do different kinds of people to me, often with orange-red sunset sky, and she makes me laugh.

Her favorite class is called "Nong Nong" like the name of the girl, curly hair, wearing a pink silk ribbon shirts, go out with the boys in class Fanchuang date.

Wow. We Pie Piezui, heart does not envy it actually is not.

I used the mirror to see for a long time, roll up the hair came alive again with a pencil down, feeling his face extraordinary exception, I made her laugh and make faces weeping, calm down and has long confusion. I often persuade themselves will not disappear after people die, babies can still be turned into another re-understanding of the world, those who smoke, the morning sun ... ... their existence can not be meaningless.

But still can not overcome the fear of death. Every night, lying under a thick blanket, Ting Feng come from a distance. I look forward to sleeping in my grandmother's face and left her sleeping in the slightly open lips, thought she might one day leave me grief from the past 10 years, I still dream time and time again I lost her . Then, in the early morning when we wake up wept.

I often sit in the warm afternoon and grandmother, looked down for a book, then looked up as his hand like the branches in the sun, the empty upstairs a bright window, with its light wind swept grass emergency.

Read any written word on paper made me ecstatic. I stood in small storage room, see "cautionary common saying," "Dream of Red Mansions", criticism of Hu Feng's paper, my mother read all the correspondence in Chinese textbooks, and my dad's Chinese literary magazine, the content is slightly . I have almost no ability to identify each one greedily absorb the words, as if the world where you can find the meaning.

Occasionally in short radio waves of one of Taiwan's "widely popular network" and "Voice of Asia." Clinging to listen every day at dusk, San Mao's death also heard. I remember the day of application-wan in Wong Ka Kui's death played on the program "always concerned about," she said, "A life should cherish, because we do not know where the next points the next second will be." Recall Chen Kailun also asked Zhao Yonghua " You are not a great need love, need all kinds of love woman? "she laughed and said yes.

I have to laugh, especially eager for the current crackle in some people could be so gentle voice, so write to them, thank them for giving me comfort, finish, think about it, caught in the diary, until today.

Write two diary, full of maxims that this copy, to the language teacher.

That in their write this in a very literary, "I want to stay the most quiet corner, surrounded by the most enthusiastic voice."

Were always in the most quiet corner, high school, increasingly reticent, sitting in the window of the place, day to see the old acacia trees in the dark blue twilight of the wind, the huge shadow of great joy to swing. In May, when the night also saw the flower garden trees as white as snow.

One weekend to go hiking in the high hill overlooking the deep mountain, imagine how the river has been surging in this barren land. Large Yunfei outdated, the earth by dark. Coming down the mountain, I took off my shoes and carry her in his hands, carefully slide down the icy slope.

In the lonely pain of adolescence, is a keen music and beauty made me feel relieved despair. I heard Luo, Huang Pin Yuan, Zhang Gaozhe, dolls, personnels, almost everyone on behalf of the songs on the hearts of struggling for some time, such as the leech attached to bone alone, day after day, without hope to bite people. Only these songs, so that a juvenile may be poetical luxury, according to a slight

8 years later to fly back to Beijing from Changsha, the plane landed the front corners, bright colors and earth suddenly tilted over, my eyes wet, this is my land in the northern sky gaze again and again, from the did not think the height away from the lights overlooking the survival of the Department, there is such unspeakable beauty.

I am today, years of high standing, as if to re-see their backs, Ning Li a great sunset in the north and under the brilliant sky.

... ... At the time she just sat on top of milk vetch fields in full bloom, watch the evening attributable to quiescence, in thinking about?

I do not remember, just remember she was always watching the horizon line - that the limits of her eyesight.

Until 1992. Surprisingly, this year the way I seemed to have some kind of smell, and I fall deeper in Changsha Night fog in through time, in Beijing, the blocks in a twilight smoke burning leaves hurriedly walked in Shanghai an old garden, enveloped by the night of the grass fragrance will be in the moment when the ... ... year to remember.

In that year, I and high-Rong become friends.

In fact, 7 years before we have the same class, dancing, with a blackboard newspaper. It was not until her parents divorced, moved to my neighborhood for a long time before we cooked up, her supple bar Masson, handsome face to the extreme.

Those two years and I like her, and her mother live alone. Grandma sent away, she gave me an emerald ring, which is supposed to when I get married to me. I stood waiting for the bus with her, first understand what the "Xinrudaoge."

I never talk about this high-Rong, going to night classes just one day, someone called her outside the classroom, she never looked up, would not crashed. Finally went out, came back Fuzaizhuoshang long time, and then write a note to me "is my dad." I also do not understand comfort, only sadness with.

We hear the same music, are copied in a notebook the sentence Hsi "I believe / love of nature as pure and gentle life ... ..."

We are not holding hands shopping, do not say if Private. After he was married only said that in the future, along with sweaters that homely, watching children grow up. Very often the silent, listening to music Chen Rong's "Moonlight Love Letter," "Tonight you are getting on well, the moon ... ... according to complete my side of the wall, went to the other side of the wall as you ... ..." and the muffled sound of the waves , turning out 16-year-old heart.

Friends of the same building slowly grew, funny Yong Dan, Fei Fei, Hasty, there's little love to play Huo. A guitar, a few packets of sugar plum, boys smoke.

We have a good place and over the low wall right on a street, and was abandoned old buildings, stair railing off early rust, front of the open ground covered with weeds, there will be a large bundle of spring Chinese milk vetch and the crushing of the blue butterfly.

Summer we sat on the stairs to eat red bean ice, sometimes Yuqing, the afternoon sunshine break in the clouds, the yard dyed golden one place, people sat in that color, breathing difficulty.

Home turn the playground every day low wall, sky Hongxia, I do not know what to make me smile, after that many years in order to re-understand, one has to give up the narrow selfish, provide tempting gentle dear friend and brother, is the only source of happiness.

She now is immersed in love, and Hasty. That bookish boy.

Hasty higher than term, and soon went into college, and she could not tolerate a person immersed in memories, then drop to a tax by far to work, wrote in the letter, she confessed, "I would like to sojourn for life in this small town, no other fantasy. "

Leave me one, go up the next night going to night classes, so cool moonlight, like walking in the same deep inside.

Middle School, and homework with pressure, can not think of anything, no longer as reading, listening to music. I do not go to class, and a man walking the road too long.

One evening power outage, I dug out the old tape to listen to.

Thick and purple in the evening twilight, the Zheng Zhihua sing "the hand of a sudden forget to say goodbye, With a smile of the two lines of tears, like a desperate child, standing alone at the edge of the cliff ........

Unknown so to, I felt shake heavily. To shed hot tears cheeks.

That song is called "use my whole life to forget."

Little by little people are scattered, and old buildings should be torn down, there became indeed a piece of a cliff after leveling. When it rains, standing there, watching the day go a little bit dark, the world as wilderness.